My life is just doing something amazing right now. I have a dream … That one day I could… simply put… live off the land. No longer did I want to rely on the super market to provide me with all my produce. No longer did I want to accidentally consume chemicals (e.g pesticides), and […]
I have most definitely been away from the modelling game for quite a few years now, and somehow I met up with an up and coming photographer ( @FACESPLACELACES ) and was able to just get right back into it. From the ages of 16 -19 years old I modelled part time, and […]
How is everyone?
thats amazing!! ha
now that awkward part is out of the way lets talk.
So a lot of nothing has been happening for me at this current moment and I have been sitting here for like 2 weeks staring at rubbish on the internet, watching other peoples lives and not really living my own. Relatable?
It doesn’t help that I was in pain for those 2 weeks so I was just laying in bed most of the day trying my best not to put myself in any more pain but I really feel a bit .. you know.. useless. (i’m not looking for sympathy, just sharing a lil bit of how my brain is working right now)
I plan and I plaan all of these magical productive things i’m going to do in life so I can have fun and explore and just live the dream, and about 1% of that plan actually happens and the rest just gets pushed onto the next month to do.
I feel like this has been a repeating pattern in my life. Like I hoard plans for years … and like a decade later I realise, like damn…. I planned to do this 10 years ago and I’m still pushing it forward every month as something I’m going to do….
I’ve come to know i’m not alone in doing this through listening to people, and their stories. We get so busy or caught up in things that mean basic fluff and wonder where the time has gone. Then we see someone working hard, focused and achieving things we could only dream to achieve but haven’t even come close to. We snap out of that reality and start to compare ourselves over and over and thats what makes us feel useless.
For a while I felt like I stopped this, i was active and achieving my goals and focused on myself and my life. Things happened in my life and I got thrown off quite a bit and ended up in this basic cycle of living – wake up, dress , walk duke (my Shiba inu puppy), watch youtube videos, eat food, bed…. over and over… and in a way I felt like it was a kind of coping mechanism, so I didn’t really have to think or feel any of the things that were happening in my life or just avoid feeling uncomfortable again. It kept a smile on my face, it kept me afloat…but I feel like that boat is now sinking, I’m coming back to reality and nows the time to abandon ship and move on.
When I really think about it, I wonder if I know what the solution is… and only today have I come to think that, maybe I just haven’t found the thing that gets me going and enthusiastic.
I was enthusiastic at one point… for 6 years I drew comics to make an anime ( the excitement i had after completing each page, even though barely anyone read those comics and most people who did, didn’t understand or thought i was weird -and a small percentage begged me for more but thats besides the point.. i still loved the thrill of just making it and then was super thrilled to put it out there)… worked weekends at Sainsbury’s for money for my clothing business and then 3 of those years I worked as a student nurse full time on top … I was very busy every day of the week, i barely slept. (I come to realise I was very busy because I had some unsettled mental issues and this was my escape and then I finally got through.. and now I’m through them …i’m back in this unenthusiastic lifestyle. ..but is it because I have unsettled mental issues again? i have no idea to be honest. doesn’t feel that way)
Don’t get me wrong, I have done many new things these recent years just gone, like recovering and rehabilitating after surgery, big change of my diet…starting up exercising at the gym…started my youtube channel etc. however now i’m used to my diet, i’m getting used to gym , i’m pretty happy in comparison to before- no serious depressing issues pulling me down, and my youtube is just floating there with my inconsistent upload schedule.
(starting to think i’m just ranting here right now and not sure if this even makes any sense at all..haha oh well)
So the solution I see is to push myself out of this new comfort zone I have made for myself because i’m settling again, and whenever I settle, I get bored or feel useless.
To keep the feeling of just feeling alive, I need to keep myself in a weird space of uncomfortable. For example, take my diet to the next level that i’ve planned for; bring more quality and put more effort into my Youtube videos; do new things regularly; meet new people; take my mental awareness to the next level. I would say more examples but there is a bunch of things i want to keep secret from you all for a lil while till I get them up and running.
I feel like I have been having one of them midlife crisis things, like i’m getting old and i feel like i’ve done nothing … but that all stems from me comparing myself to others. I just keep reminding myself – this is my journey, my path. My path is nothing like anyone else’s so comparing mine to others is futile and a waste of time. haha and me sharing it here, i guess, is just to show you my experiences so you can get inspired or know maybe what not to do haha. ( Or its an unconscious cry for help – i honestly don’t know )
So heres to me pushing my own buttons and falling out of this comfy bubble for the rest of 2018 ..
wish me luck peeps
x love and light x
(i want to share more here – personal stuff as well as recipes and health and fitness stuff so call me out if i haven’t posted in a while)
my experience at the London chinese new year festival 2018